10:33 PM and somehow I feel restless. There is so much right with my life (we always gloss over everything that is going well) but so many tiny little details that seem wrong. For instance there is this colleague (who was a good friend) that no longer really speaks to me. No big loss really, and nor did I do anything wrong...in that I tried my VERY best to be normal, and be nice. (technically he only stopped hanging out with us because there was this other girl in our 'group' he detested). So There's no emnimity...it's just that we don't speak, and sometimes (like now) I wonder if it needed to be this way.
Other than that there are other small worries..such as the speeding ticket I recieved and the fact that my licence just may be revoked. It's a bit of a pain because I procrastinated actually getting my photocard license and now I've lost my driving pass certificate.
Other than that I suppose things are ok..I've decided pretty much, that I'm going to rent, and not buy, even though every now and again I get a pang about the annoyance (unsettledness) of living in a home that is not your own..and knowing that you'd have to move...again and again..and again, and the drop of a hat, if the landlord decided he was going to sell..or whatever. But oh well, renting seems to be the way to go for now..unless God makes it clear that I ought to buy in some way..
As for the guy...I don't know..I really don't. All I know is that he hasn't texted me, so it can't really be a burning issue or priority in his mind either, and further more (Like I've said) we really don't have much in common...and I can't imagine us really being 'partners' -not for life anyway. But who knows....
I have great friends in the mean time and I sometimes wonder if this is what delays my finding someone. I have this other friend...who is fantastic ( a guy ) We are both christians and the relationship IS a friendship. And so that is wonderful..although I know that I need to submit even that friendship to God in order for him to work in my life in any way he pleases. (and this I have done).
Sometimes it bugs me that my parents aren't more stereotypically helpful. I wish they'd..for instance...take my speeding ticket poing...or help me out with some money to buy a house...etc. But I suppose that's expecting too much. After all, they aren't millionaries themselves.
I logged on to write tonight because I was so restless. A feeling of unsettled unhappiness...and no real reason for it other than the fact that everything is not perfect. And the thing is..I know nothing ever will be entirely perfect, so I need to get over it and feel settled even when it's not. That's the trick, -knowing, and accepting.
There's so much I want to do with my life. I want to write this book.....play and send off my songs...other things too. Is it me, or is it fate, that prevents me for really DOING anything with those talents of mine? On the other hand I ought not to complain....I have been progressing career wise and God has done great tihings in my life, even miraculous things, by any standard.
This new job....I'm looking forward to starting. I know God led me there.
Anyway, that's all for now.
Prayer:
Dear Lord,
There are days like today when I feel so emotionally weak and spent. I don't even know what to say, or what words to use. I only know that I love you and I am so sorry for the times I let you down. Please guide and lead me and let all things work together for good, but more importantly let me remain WHOLLY in your good, and your perfect will for my life. Please forgive me MY sin..as I forgive all those who have sinned against me. Help me to be selfless so that all these silly things that affect my self don't cause me to feel the way I do...restless..unsettled...unhappy. Fill me with your joy and your love so that I can look outward and not inward. To you, and not around me to the suffering, uncertainity, and confusion. Please be close to me Lord.
Without you, life would not be worth living. This I know.
In Jesus Name I pray.
Amen.
